totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
