I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
