Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
