Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
