I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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