Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
