We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
