Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I could make wine with my vomit
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
