I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
3 2 1 whiskey
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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