You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
