i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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