Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
