we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
