so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
