his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
