I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
