Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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