Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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