he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize