Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
