im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
