We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
