would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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