Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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