and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
