saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you win again, gameday.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
