i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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