Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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