your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
