We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
