Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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