Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
