one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
