fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
