Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
