nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
