Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
