at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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