So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
