i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
