There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
