Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
