I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
