This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
