I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
