either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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