singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
