Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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