Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
