I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
