I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
