nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
