I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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