glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
